I got bent out of shape after certain interviews given by Diego Luna and James Franco who each portray lovers of Harvey Milk in the movie Milk, by Gus Van Sant.
It was suggested by an interviewer at AfterElton that actors are not coached for interviews before going on press junkets to promote their movies, a notion I find absurd. It was also suggested that instead of punching a pillow over all of this I should write. Good idea. (Thanks Janet)
What follows is satire, in case you miss that. It is how I imagine a conversation might go between James Franco and his coach, or Press agent, if you will. This satire attempts to explain Franco's and Diego's comments of late.
Enjoy.
..........
Press agent
You know that they're going to ask you questions like, 'what was it like working on the set of a movie of historical importance?'
Franco
Dude, I got the coolest story I was telling the other day. Working on the set was a laugh riot. You know it's a gay flick, right? Well I gotta do this nude scene, and well the director is gay, too, you knew that right? Well if you've seen me nude you would know -not that I'm saying you should see me nude -I'm just saying if. If you saw me you'd know that I ain't got no anaconda; if you know what I mean? So, I'm doing this gay nude scene and they get me to put on this prosthetic dick, you know, like a fake penis to wear before I jump in the pool. And the director, you know he's gay right, he's like, well, we're going to be shooting the scene from the other side of the pool, so that's why you need such a huge schwang, so the camera can focus on it, I mean he's saying it like he's trying to keep me from feeling bad about my little pinkie down there, but dude, it's like a gay flick and he's like this gay director and well, he knows what the gays want to see, right? So, after we shoot the scene I'm over talking to Sean about it, and I'm all like, dude, that was embarrassing. Well, I still got that elephant trunk swinging between my legs, and Sean's like, If I was hung like that, I wouldn't be embarrassed. So then I tell him, you know, it's a fake dick and then I gotta explain why and all that, and he just cracked up. And what do you know? The next day Sean is like running to Gus and he's all, I want to wear a big fake dick like James got, I guess he wanted the gays to love him, too. But burn! Gus got all artistic with Sean's fake dick, because Harvey, that's the gay dude Sean plays, and Harvey is from New York, he's like Jewish or something, so if you notice in the flick, Sean's fake dick ain't as big as mine. Pretty funny though considering he's the star and he's got the bigger trailer and all.
Press agent
maybe you can tell that story, but emphasize the part where you are the only one who's nude and downplay the whole gay angle a little bit and still get the point across? Maybe act a little more embarrassed.
Franco
Hey, dude, I can do embarrassed. Know what? I got a talk with a gay mag tomorrow, I think I try that one.
Press agent
Better save that story for Letterman and the junket, but clean it up a little. And I wanted to tell you, we all ready talked to Letterman's people and they okayed a peck on the cheek. I was hopping for more, but they guaranteed that they would push it to get the same amount of press. I knew you'd be happy to hear that.
Franco
Thank you dude, I didn't want to have to kiss Letterman on the lips anyway. I mean he's a cool dude, and all, he's not gay is he? Okay. But I don't want to be this dude that has to run around kissing other dudes for the rest of my Career. I did it for this flick because Gus is awesome, that's enough. Okay?
Press agent
You'll have to take that up with your contract agent. But that does bring up another typical question someone is sure to ask you, 'it must have been embarrassing to play gay.'
Franco
No man, it was a riot! There was like this big kiss, like in front of all these extras, like thousands of them, you know. And afterward Sean was like, watch this. And he was like text messaging his ex. You know, like they been divorced for like how long? And he's still gotta like prove something? So he's all, 'by the way honey, I just thought you would like to know that I just kissed a man in front of millions of people.' Snap! You know? Like now the gays are going to like him better!
Press agent
Snap?
Franco
'Snap', that's like a gay thing, I mean you pick that up hanging with them.
Press agent
Don't say 'snap.' People are going to assume you're gay.
Franco
I'm not gay, not that there's anything wrong with it.
Press agent
What ever. Just don't say 'snap' like that. Okay? It's not suppose to be a laugh riot; try to work the embarrassed. Your supposed to be straight. Remember?
Franco
Yeah, sure. I'm not like that; I'm not like snap happy.
Press agent
Good. But don't you love the whole Madonna angle of that bit?
Franco
Madonna?
Press agent
Sean's ex!
Franco
Yeah right, Madonna, what about her?
Press agent
The gays worship Madonna. That whole text message to Madonna will be perfect for your interview with that gay rag tomorrow.
Franco
Think so? I thought it was kind of like when TMZ shoves the microphone under my chin when I'm coming out of the restaurant.
Press agent
No, that would be wasting a good story. We'll work on it. The whole Madonna angle? The gays will love it. I guarantee it.
Franco
Cool, cool, cool.
Press agent
Now, What were you thinking to say about the whole thing about playing gay?
Franco
Like?
Press agent
Like how they got you to play gay.
Franco
Oh, that. I was going to say that I was drunk.
Press agent
You can't.
Franco
Why not?
Press agent
Because Diego already is using that one.
Franco
WHAT!!!?
Press agent
He already said yesterday, that he was knocking back Tequila in order to do his gay scenes.
Franco
That bastard, he stole that one from me; I was talking that up on the set just so the crew could hear me. He knew what I was doing. I can't believe he took that from me.
Press agent
Listen, it ain't that original.
Franco
Wah?
Press agent
They been using that one for years. You gotta go for the twisted arm.
Franco
Yeah, but I practically begged Gus for the part.
Press agent
Cool, go with that because the gays will love it, but maybe they tricked you?
Franco
Yes. I get it. You just earned your pay check, didn't you?
Press agent nods and smiles smugly.
Franco
Yeah, there was this thing where the scripts were coming to me with changes and they kept adding scenes. I can blame that on Sean, that way he can't steal this excuse from me and use it too.
Press agent
Great, just so you let people know! But don't hit them over the head with it and offend anyone, this is a touchy subject with some people.
There is a pause.
Franco
Are we done here?
Press agent nods
I think you're ready.
Franco
Me too. Thanks dude. But I was going to ask you.
Press agent
what?
Franco
What you were doing this weekend?
Press agent
Nothing, why?
Franco
Just that, well you know I'm going to school for two PHD's and like that. I'm a really educated dude.
Press agent
What ever.
Franco
Not what ever, dude. We're having a kegger at the Frat this weekend and it is going to be psycho.
Press agent
I don't think so.
Franco
Listen dude, ever since I've been playing gay, the chicks are like insane. It's like something they can't have and believe me they are nutty. They'll do anything to pound a gay dude.
Press agent
I really don't think...
Franco
Don't think, dude. Imagine. It will be a sea of twisted chicks horny out of their mind. This is like once in a life time.
Press agent
I'm gay.
Franco
Is there something wrong with me, I just thought I heard you say you're gay?
Press agent
Yeah, I'm gay.
Franco
Okay. That's cool. Just stay home, because you'll only ruin it for the rest of us. Unless you want to be somebody's wing man, I could set you up. Free buzz?...
Press agent
I lied. I'm not gay. I was just testing you.
Franco
Why?
Press agent
You just played a clock sucking gay dude and you still think the whole thing is funny. I mean, I basically trust you, but I had to make sure your head's in the right place.
Franco
Oh. Cool. See you on Saturday?
Press agent
I'll be around 8.
Well, you...
...bitter old queen...I laughed my ass off when I read this. That might not have been your intent, sorry if it wasn't. The conversation is hilarious and I can totally see it played out. In fact, I'd LOVE to film it. In addition to you being ornery, belligerent and fierce, you are also a funny, funny man.
I say we take the warning labels off everything and let nature take it's course.
I blush
You know, I expect satire to maybe cause a little snicker. You are too kind. That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me since, well, since I was a bitter young queen.
Let's see if we can get Franco to play himself.
Before then.
Before this gets buried, I would like to explain to future readers that this satire is a take off from exact things said in the press at this point by the actors of Milk. I made the interview up, of course, but it draws on what was already said. That is the point where the satire takes off, to explain ironically why the actors said what they said.
Franco was on Kimmel, where Kimmel acts as if he has never heard of the movie. Franco explains that the original script called for one kiss between him and Penn, "I figure it's acting, I can get through with it." Franco makes it clear that the original scrip he was sent had one kiss, but that Penn kept calling for script changes which included more kissing to be acted by himself and Franco. Franco repeated this story on his junket.
David Letterman asks franco "Does anyone really want to be good at kissing a man; how drunk were you?" It looked rehearsed, when Letterman leans over for a peck on the cheek.
Franco also relates to Letterman's audience the story of how he wore a fake dick that was bigger than his own, that Penn saw it and basically said he shouldn't be embarrassed and on finding out it was fake, Franco said Penn had one made for his nude scene. It's a story Franco repeated on his junket for the flick.
Diego Luna in a video interview said, "I did drink a few tequilas before doing the scene and that did help."
In Out Magazine, Franco explains how embarrassing and difficult it was, especially, having to kiss a man in front of a crowd of people in the Castro. "And then after our kiss Sean texted Madonna -- his ex-wife, Madonna -- and said, 'I just broke my cherry kissing a guy. I thought of you. I don’t know why.'"
Christie Keith, of AfterElton, suggests that these actors had no reservations about playing gay, even though that is what they told the straight press.
As I said before: If there is any doubt, my point of this was to say that to play gay and then suggest afterward that there should be ANY shame attached to that is merely disrespectful. It becomes disgusting when you are telling the life of Harvey Milk. I know I am mostly alone in this because many people see this Hollywood movie as being about one million times more important than Harvey Milk's life or anything he stood for.
It should be noted that all these Actors really did on camera was kiss. (besides the 5 second "key hole" romp, which was becase of a butt slap.) However, kissing is a sign of affection. I hope we approve of kissing. And lord knows we need affection in this world. Or is that against what Harvey Milk stood for?
There seems to be a belief that this movie will motivate a generation, or explain to the ignorant in a way that Milk was incapable of. God I hope so.
But what this movie seems to come down to really is the sad fact of careers and money. Gay rights, today, is less about what is righteous and more about what is profitable. Hey, that's a concept all Americans can rally around.