The Gay Summer Movie Preview We'd Like to See

When we published our Spring Movie Preview, a lot of readers were downright horrified at the lack of gay or gay-friendly films heading to theater screens across the nation. So when we took a gander at the summer lineup and saw that Adam Sandler's I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry is pretty much all there is blockbuster-wise to entice a gay boy into a theater during the hot months (besides air conditioning), we decided to take matters into our own hands.

We picked some of this summer's biggest films, added a sprinkle of fairy dust to both the plotlines and the posters, and — Voila! — a schedule of gay summer blockbusters that is the stuff of gay cinematic dreams.

Spider-Man 3 (May 4)
Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) has finally found the balance he's longed for between his love for Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) and his responsibilities as Spider-Man. But Peter's idyll is shattered when he discovers that a mysterious black substance has turned his Spidey suit into bondage gear, bringing forth a darker, kinkier side of the superhero. Unable to help himself, Peter begins to explore this new dark personality, and spends more and more time frequenting leather bars and S/M dungeons while new villain Sandman runs amok in New York.

As New York's infamous, hedonistic Black Party approaches, Peter attracts the attentions of a troubled young man by the name of Eddie Brock (Topher Grace) who wants Peter's job at The Daily Bugle and is also obsessed with bondage wear. When the black substance infects Eddie as well, he is transformed into Venom, a sinister foe that mirrors everything Spider-Man can do. Will Peter be able to shake off his new stalker? Who will dominate whom? And most importantly, will Peter have a killer outfit for the Black Party?

Shrek the Third (May 18)
Royal ogres Shrek and Fiona once again find themselves the targets of the greedy, jilted Prince Charming (voiced by Rupert Everett) who is plotting another coup d'etat. But things take a sharp left turn when Charming meets and falls for Doris the Ugly Stepsister (voiced by Larry King), who turns out to be a transgender woman.

After Charming and Doris find true love, they realize the error of their jealous ways and halt their plan to take over the land of Far, Far Away. As a reward, Fiona's Fairy Godmother grants Doris her lifelong wish: permanent depilation and a killer, bikini-ready bod. Everyone, as the saying goes, lives happily ever after, especially Charming and Doris who score a beach bungalow in Key West for less than half a million bucks.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At Fire Island (May 25)
After Will (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth (who, due to contract negotiation breakdowns with Keira Knightley, is played by drag impersonator Lady Bunny) rescue Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) from the clutches of the Kraken, they must face their old nemesis Davy Jones (Bill Nighy) in a climactic face-off for control of the high seas. With the Pirate Lords by their side, Will, Jack and Elizabeth sail to Fire Island for their final battle against Jones and his minions.

But Jack is oddly distracted by Fire Island's Pride celebration and the thousands of shirtless revelers, not to mention the bounties offered by official sponsor Bacardi Limon. Even worse, Elizabeth can no longer ignore the homoerotic tension between Jack and Will, which reaches a boiling point during a steamy rendition of the Village People's "YMCA" at a beachfront bar. Will the best man — or the best woman — win Will's heart? It's a “swishbuckling” adventure on the high seas!