"Are you ready for some football?"

Superbowl Sunday is upon us and while many American’s will be gorging themselves on junk food and a wicked ale while cheering on the Patriots or the Giants, I’ve always been one to avoid the telecast at all costs.  As you can imagine, living in Boston makes it difficult to turn your nose up at the hysteria this town creates for their golden boys the Red Sox and the Patriots but I do my best at shunning the big Tom Brady shaped elephant in the room by hunkering down with the hundreds of other television channels at my disposal.

If you’re a huge football fan, Sunday night is your Oscars.  Sit back with a beer and enjoy watching the burly men ram and pound each other as sweat pours from their heaving chests in glorious HD.  If you’re simply into watching hotties like Tom Brady, Eli Manning, or Amani Toomer - all the power to you; hell, if you just like saying tight end and wide receiver – have a field day because this is your night. It’s Superbowl Sunday!

But if you’re looking for some alternatives to the biggest football game of the year I’ve got the rundown of the best (and worst) in counter programming to help you plan accordingly.  Call your best gays, gal pals, or your grandmother; bust out the wine or sparkling cider, the cheese platter, the crudités and get ready to cheer on your right to choose...

THE MUST LIST:

FOX’s Superbowl Pre-Show with Ryan Seacrest
Airs on FOX
I know what you’re thinking, why would I watch the pre-show if I don’t plan on watching the main attraction?  Well I have a few words for you!  Paula. Abdul. Acting Crazy Singing. Live. For. Reals.  Straight up, the American Idol judge will be performing her new single “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow” and I can think of nothing better than watching her lip-sync her way out of that bag of crazy.  As an added bonus, Randy “Have I told you that I was in Journey, Dawg?” Jackson will be performing with her.  Train wreck!

Puppy Bowl IV
Airs: 3:00 p.m. – 3:00 a.m. (Animal Planet)
If you like your action a little furry and with leather studded collars this is the show for you!  Animal Planet’s pawsitively genius Puppy Bowl returns for a fourth year with way too much cuddly cuteness for one person to handle.  This show makes putting balls in your mouth and chasing tail a sporting event!  Not to be outdone by Tom Petty, this Half-Time Show features its own band of Heartbreakers… kitties, kitties, and more kitties! 

Much, much more after the break...

THE MARATHONS:

Many networks are choosing to counter program with marathons of their hottest shows to draw in the Superbowlaphobes like you and me.  You’ll be shocked to learn that Bravo is not airing every episode of Project Runway or Make Me a Supermodel.  I’m as stunned as you are!  What about Janice Dickinson over on Oxygen?  Not really.  While they are airing a couple random episodes peppered throughout the day there is no marathon action to be had so we’re forced to look elsewhere for our all you can watch buffet of shows.

Murder, She Wrote
Starts: 8:00 a.m. EST (Hallmark Channel)
Between Stephen King and Murder’s Jessica Fletcher you’d think that life in small town Maine was as dangerous as cruising the Gaza Strip.  Witness the campy glory of Angela Lansbury taking down some unbelievable perps as Hallmark airs a whole day of classic cheese.

Mythbusters Viewer’s Choice
Starts: 9:00 a.m. EST (Discovery Channel)
I don’t know about you but I’m still afraid to eat Pop Rocks while drinking Diet Soda ... not to mention I’m still terrified of leaving a baby alone near a thimble of water.  That’s the power of myths; they terrify us into irrational behaviors.  That’s why the mustached and bear cub like Jamie and Adam (along with The B Team) are here to sort through the various dangers for us; making the world a better place, one myth at a time.

Law & Order: Criminal Intent / SVU
Starts: 11:00 a.m. EST (USA)
You don’t need a marathon to catch 15 hours of Law & Order in one day but USA decided to make it extra convenient for us.  Spending the day with guys like Vincent D’Onfrio, Chris Noth (Mr. Big), Chris Meloni and the goddess Mariska Hargitay doesn’t sound so bad.  If at any moment you’re in need of something with more skin, Google “Chris Meloni and OZ”… you won’t be disappointed.

The Closer
Starts: Noon EST (TNT)
If you’ve never watched Krya Sedgwick’s power house performance as Dept. Chief Brenda Lee Johnson I beg of you to camp out in front of your television as The Closer unspools 12 episodes back to back.  She’s has the southern charm and hospitality of Dolly Parton in 9 to 5 but the balls of Dirty Harry.

The Food Network Challenge
Starts: 3:00 p.m. EST (Food Network)
If you’re worried about counting calories and don’t want to eat fistfuls of chips this Sunday try watching The Food Network Challenge Marathon where you can tackle wedding cake after wedding cake without gaining a pound.  It’s the Sugar Bowl, indulge yourselves.

Rich Bride, Poor Bride
Starts: 4:00 p.m. EST (WE)
If we can’t have Bridezillas this will have to do.  Watch how women from both sides of the tracks celebrate their special day.  From the Trailer Park to Park Avenue, you know there’s going to be meltdown after meltdown so celebrate the misery of others on their supposedly joyous day.

Degrassi: The Next Generation
Starts: 4:00 p.m. EST (The N)
Follow young gay Marco del Rossi as he navigates the halls of Degrassi Community School with on-again, off-again boyfriend Dylan, his fabulously proud to be a hag sister Paige and the rest of the Canadian misfits in this groundbreaking teen series on The N. 

Miss America Reality Check
Starts: 5:00 p.m. EST (TLC)
Watch Ugly Betty’s Michael Urie whip this year’s gaggle of Miss America hopefuls into shape on TLC’s campy reality hit, which is followed by the actual Miss America Pageant.

THE MOVIES:

Fried Green Tomatoes
Airs: 4:00 p.m. EST (CMT)
It’s a film for all you Mary’s out there … Mary Stewart Masterson and Mary-Louise Parker!  Relive the heartwarming sapphic tale of Idgie Threadgoode and Ruth Jamison through the eyes of divas Jessica Tandy and Kathy Bates.  Towanda!

The Parent Trap
Airs: 6:00 p.m. EST (ABC Family)
Catch pre-tween Lindsay Lohan before the rehab, before the car crashes, and before that heinous music career of hers.  It’s pre-tabloid LiLo with the always sexy Dennis Quaid, how can you go wrong?

Legally Blonde
Airs: 8:00 p.m. EST (Comedy Central)
Before the musical there was Reese Witherspoon as the real deal.  Experience the power of Elle Woods surrounded by pink frilly things and a cute little dog as she takes down baddies thanks to a Harvard education.

Meet The Fockers
Airs: 9:00 p.m. EST (ABC)
Streisand, ‘nuff said.

Whatever you choose to watch this Superbowl Sunday remember to be safe, be smart, and be merry. If TV's not your thing, read a good book or hit a museum. Have a great weekend everyone ... Goooooo Team!