Hellooooo possums!

Wait, Dennis already used that opening two weeks ago, didn’t he? Well, we came up with it at the same time — he just got to write his column first. Hey, we have to crank out fifty-one of these columns a year, and there are only so many opening bits! Besides, he didn’t photo-shop his face onto Dame Edna’s, now did he?

IN OTHER NEWS, WATER IS WET
So the big gay male entertainment news of the week, Clay Aiken has come out.

Yes, there have been a lot of jokes that this isn’t exactly earth-shaking news. But I confess I’m a little taken aback by all the nastiness that’s been directed at Clay since the announcement. The way I see it, he’s one of the first male celebrities to come out of the closet entirely voluntarily. Sure, there have been lots of internet rumors, but Clay seems to have done this on his own volition, not in response to a specific outing, a la Neil Patrick Harris, Chad Allen, or T.R. Knight. And unlike Richard Chamberlain, Elton John, or David Hyde Pierce, he’s doing it at what is arguably still the peak of his career.

On top of that, Clay didn’t just come out in the latest issue of People; he also appears on the cover holding his child. How often do you see that image of a gay man?

In short, I think Clay’s done a pretty great thing. So why not give the guy some credit?

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE…
Steven Spielberg made news this week when he announced that, following in the footsteps of Brad Pitt, he and his wife Kate Capshaw were donating $100,000 to fight California’s proposed constitutional ban on same-sex marriage.

It’s almost enough to get me to forgive them for the character of Willie Scott in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. (Okay, not really.)

What didn’t make the news is that an assortment of characters from Spielberg films will also be donating to the cause.

The shark from Jaws will also be donating $100,000.The giant sea predator came out six years ago in a splashy profile in People and is now living in one of California’s first same-sex marriages, with the giant octopus from the end of The Goonies.

The little boy from Poltergeist, who is, creepily enough, still ten years old, had intended to donate that eerie clown doll from the film. Sadly, while making the announcement, he was eaten by the wooden podium.

The Jude Law robot from A.I. has commissioned a duplicate of himself that will be put up for auction on eBay. Better still, it’s anatomically correct!

And Private Ryan, the saintly soldier from Saving Private Ryan, will donate $100. Ryan has been plagued by troubles since the release of his 1998 movie and was arrested in 2003 for stalking Matt Damon, the actor who played him in the film.

Unfortunately, E.T. will not be participating in the pro-marriage campaign. It seems that the alien was “born again” after being resurrected in the movie and now faults earth’s gay people for the break-down of heterosexual marriage on “Home,” his alien home-world 26,000 light-years away. “E.T. blaaaaame hoooomos,” said the formerly lovable extraterrestrial.

Next Page! My two celebrity crushes--together at last!