IT’S NOT REALLY A PARADE WITHOUT A 10-STORY-TALL UNDERDOG BALLOON
Happy July, everybody! Although, sadly, that also means another Gay Pride Month has come to a rainbow-flagged end. (EDITOR'S NOTE: Since the Fourth of July falls on a Friday this year, we're posting the BEST.GAY.WEEK.EVER! on Thursday instead.)

Here in New York City, this past Sunday was the 39^th annual Pride Day March. I’ve watched this parade for years from a cushy spot on my brother-in-law’s balcony. It has a perfect view of the festivities. And, more importantly, it meets my personal, absolutely critical parade-viewing requirement: easy alcohol/bathroom access.

This year, as I watched another parade pass me by, I was struck by how it all felt like par for the purple-lined course. True, there were several novel touches, like such fab marchers as Grand Marshall Candis Cayne, George Takei, and New York’s Governor David Paterson. Not to mention the occasional Biblical deluge (which I like to think of as a clear and visible demonstration of God’s love spillething over us).

But there was also the familiar barrage of gay organizations of every type, political affiliation, and kink imaginable (“Hurry!” my brother-in-law joked. “You’ll miss the Left-Handed Gay Dentists from Fort Lee!”).

As wonderful as it is to see the streets of lower Manhattan turned even gayer than usual, I couldn’t help but wish the whole thing were more, well, fun.

I’m thinking that, going forward, the pride parade could learn a thing or two from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Starting with gay versions of those tacky, terrifying balloons. Where’s the 400-foot-tall floating Dumbledore? And what wouldn’t you give to see a gigantic, puffed up Jack Harkness bearing down on you from above?

Okay, I understand cost might be an issue here. In that case, we can just borrow existing balloons from the Thanksgiving Parade, ones for characters we all know are gay. You know — Bullwinkle. SpongeBob. Dora. That annoying fabric softener teddy bear. And of course, Barney.

Next, we need marching bands. Gay, all-boy, marching bands! In kilts!! And nothing else!!! And they should be playing tinny, marching-band versions of Justin Timberlake and Kylie Minogue. While arranging themselves in the formation of David Beckham’s torso.

And finally, we need the one thing that always really makes the Thanksgiving Parade so memorable — insipid banter from morning talkshow hosts. Something like this …

“Beautiful day for a parade, wouldn’t you say, Al?”

“Actually, Matt, it’s raining. Raining men! How’s the view down where you are Katie?”

“Man-tastic! I haven’t had this much weiner thrust in my face since I competed for Skokie Bratwurst Queen!”

What do you think? If you’ve got other ideas for gaying up gay pride, share in the comments.

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