I PROMISE THIS IS THE FIRST AND LAST TIME I’LL EVER MENTION SARAH PALIN IN A COLUMN
As you probably noticed, Sarah Palin’s appearance on Saturday Night Live generated just a wee bit of buzz across the Interwebs this week. What you may not have read, though, is that she took advantage of her visit to New York City to catch up with her one gay friend.

You know who I mean … the nameless gay who’s routinely referenced as an example of Palin’s maverick-y tolerance but who, queerly, no one can seem to find hide nor hair of. Except me. That’s right. I succeeded in doing what none of those J-school hacks could do (“Suck it, Washington Post!”), and found the guy living and working mere blocks away from me right here in Manhattan. And I’m pleased to introduce him to you now …

Meet Rod, the closeted gay Republican puppet currently appearing in Broadway’s Avenue Q. I met up with Rod in an appropriately butch Times Square sports bar to talk about his long-standing friendship with the Alaskan governor. Here is our interview…

AfterElton.com: I must say, I’m surprised to think of you and Governor Palin as friends. I mean, what do you even have in common?
Rod: Well, we’re both from Alaska. And we’re both Republicans. And, of course, we both love c*ck.

AE: Excuse me?
Rod: C*ck. We both can’t get enough of it. Like we’ll be out hunting elk together, and I’ll say, “Sarah, honey, you’ve got to c*ck that pistol properly or you’ll bag nary a squirrel.” And she’ll say, “Golly, Rod, you know I’m savin’ that fer later. Cockin’ that pistol’s my favorite part. That and the disembowelin’.”

AE: I see … Um, how did you two become friends anyway?
Rod: Funny story! Back when we were in school together, Sarah came into our library looking for books she wanted to burn out on the football field. And all of them were taken out in my name.

AE: Which books were those?
Rod: Oh, the usual. Huck Finn. Peyton Place. Introduction to Earth Science. The Bible.

AE: She wanted to burn the Bible? Why?
Rod: Not the whole thing, silly. Just the pre-Christian parts. She said if she wanted to read about a bunch of heathens who didn’t know Jesus, she’d have kept her subscription to People. Anyway, we didn’t really get to know each other at first. But then at the last minute she came to me and asked me to be her prom date. I guess none of the other guys were interested in going out with the girl who’d organized that whole “You Do Me, You Marry Me” campaign around school.

AE: What was she like back in those days?
Rod: Even then, she was always saying she planned to be president. Of course, she was referring to the Geography Club. And when that election finally came, she lost to a chicken.

AE: How could she possibly lose to a chicken?
Rod: Well, I guess the chicken was able to correctly point to a whole lot more world capitols on a map. But Sarah didn’t let it get her down. She just bit its head off, spat out the blood and the beak, and then declared herself the winner by default. Just shows to go ya, even back then, her dreams were as big as the bun in her hair.

AE: Are you still in touch with her today?
Rod: Of course! I see her and Todd for dinner all the time, although, for some reason, the kids are never around when she has me over. But anyway, she’ll have me over and get out that special drinking glass she keeps just for me. And we’ll sit at the table, and her pastor will say grace, and it will usually be something really moving that shows how much they worry about me, like, “We thank you God for this food we are about to receive. And please help Sarah’s friend understand how icky his lifestyle choices are. Amen. Oh, and protect us from witches, trolls, and vegans.” Then Sarah will bring out that delicious roasted badger she specializes in and say to me, “Pass the salt, you godless sodomite.” And we’ll all laugh and laugh. Good times, those.

AE: I don’t know. From the sound of it, she’s not exactly supportive of gay rights.
Rod: Yes, but she is a huge supporter of puppet rights. For some reason, she’s become very sympathetic of puppets like myself whose every word and movement are manipulated by a committee of cynical white guys standing in the shadows.

AE: Did you get to help spend any of that $150,000 RNC-financed fashion budget?
Rod: Oh, no. Have you looked at me? I’ve been wearing these same clothes since 2003. And I mean that, the exact same clothes. I’m hopeless at fashion.

AE: Well, thank you for your time, Rod. One last question … I guess we can assume you’ll be voting McCain/Palin in November?
Rod: Good God, no! I’m a puppet, not a dummy.

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