Have a question about gay male entertainment? Ask the Monkey!

Q: As the Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull publicity juggernaut gears up, I was wondering if there’s anything gay about the new movie or the whole series?-- Matthew – Lakewood, WA

Harrison Ford (left) & Shia LaBeouf

A: Secrecy surrounding the plot of the movie, which opens on May 22nd, has, of course, been tighter than a sealed crypt. But the Flying Monkey is known for being able to slip into even locked spaces, so here’s what he’s learned:

The movie co-stars Shia LaBeouf as a 50s-era greaser (which is when the movie is set). LaBeouf studied the film stars of the era, presumably including gay/bi actors Marlon Brando, James Dean, and Sal Mineo. The movie also stars gay fav Cate Blanchett in what looks to be the supremely campy role of Irina Spalko, a Soviet villainess in elbow-length rubber gloves. Finally, the movie includes the much-heralded return of that veritable embodiment of female spunk, Karen Allen as Marion Ravenwood.

Cate Blanchett (left) & Karen Allen

An interesting tidbit: according to the DVD commentaries, much of Marion’s spunk in Raiders of the Lost Ark was directly a result of Karen Allen’s lobbying for script changes. In the initial screenplay, she was much more passive, but it was Karen who contributed such ideas as the frying-pan-as-weapon, and her attempts to outwit Dr. Belloq in the tent — palming the knife, trying to drink him under the table. Basically, with Karen Allen, you got the sublime Marion Ravenwood; with Kate Capshaw, you got the nails-on-chalkboard Willie Scott (in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom). So it was a very good call bringing Karen back. Now, George Lucas, you’re a fan of reworking your older movies, so please consider digitally removing Capshaw from Temple of Doom.

Sadly, there’s not much gay about the whole Indiana Jones series, unless you count fussy sidekicks (e.g. Denholm Elliott, “Short Round”) and the general hotness that is Harrison Ford, circa 1981-1989. But there is that opening scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indiana Jones is teaching a class full of dreamy-eyed students, all in love with their teacher (not surprisingly). When class is over, they all file out; the last student is a sheepish, smitten boy, who leaves an apple on Indiana’s desk, then rushes from the room.

Q: Rank the Star Trek captains in terms of hotness: Jonathan Archer (Scott Bakula), Benjamin Sisko (Avery Brooks), James T. Kirk (William Shatner), Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart). – Mark, Hartford, CT

A: What, no Kate Mulgrew as Kathryn Janeway? She was at least as butch as the rest of ‘em!

If we’re restricting this to male captains, the Monkey is going to have to rank Picard a comfortable first. As unlikely as it was that an older, bald man would become a sex symbol, and despite the fact that the show's producers clearly intended Jonathan Frakes to be the show’s break-out dreamboat, it was Patrick Stewart’s intense, charismatic performance as the stalwart and principled Captain Picard that made that show so watchable (and it is Stewart’s single nude scene that the Monkey vividly remembers still!).

Patrick Stewart (left) & William Shatner

In second place, the Monkey says — yes — James T. Kirk. It’s true that Shatner’s hammy, over-the-top performance has been ridiculed ever since. But let’s face it: the reason why it’s so easy to ridicule is because it was such an indelible portrayal. What other actors do we imitate? People like Jimmy Stewart and Bette Davis, that’s who! It’s true that by modern standards, Shatner could have stood to do a few more sit-ups, and there’s nothing sexy about a weave. But watching reruns of the show recently, the Flying Monkey was struck by how incredibly entertaining Shatner is, and how he really embraced the role of Kirk and made it his own.

In third place? Well, there is no third place. Avery Brooks’ stilted, awkward portrayal of Sisko made the Monkey’s skin scrawl, and while Bakula is a very good-looking man, he played Archer like an overgrown Boy Scout. The Monkey doesn’t necessarily have a thing for bad boys, but Bakula’s performance was about as interesting as watching dry paint get, well, drier.

Incidentally, Chris Pine’s portrayal of young Kirk in J.J. Abrams upcoming Star Trek prequel could be interesting. But for my money, he can’t out-sexy Picard, no matter how young and dashing.

Next Page! Is Zachary Quinto gay? And Tori, Tori, Tori!