This week’s “War: The Do-Over” episode has put me in the weird, unwelcome position of repeating events from an episode that repeats events from a previous episode. It’s such a mind-bending, self-reflective distortion of time that I feel like I’ve slipped into some Charlie Kaufman screenplay, except my mind’s not so spotless and I ain’t into being John Malkovich.

But if Bravo wants to get all gimmicky with a non-elimination elimination challenge, I’m willing to respond with my own stunt. I’ve decided to write this recap in reverse chronological order, like that Seinfeld episode based on that Harold Pinter play.

So I’m going to start at the end and work my way forwards, meaning backwards, starting by revealing who goes home. I look at this as a crucial public service because, unlike people watching in real time, you’ll have the luxury of knowing that, despite all evidence to the contrary, someone is in fact eliminated.

As if to reassure viewers about that questionable inevitability, throughout the episode, the Padminator 2000 is on one continuous loop, repeating, “This week one of you will go home.” I was already home, so I knew she wasn’t talking about me, but I had good reason to be skeptical she meant anyone else given how reluctant this show has recently been to move things along.

In fact, instead of removing people, this episode takes great pains to bring back ones we thought we were long rid of – ranging from former contestants to the Mean Queen customer from last week who, despite anything said in the blogosphere this week by Bravo Andy (a.k.a. “Brandy”), is someone no one wants to see more of.

Plus, I’m in kind of a hurry. I figured if I run out of time and can’t finish the recap, at least you’ll know how it all wound up. But if I do make it to the ending, meaning the beginning, I’m going to tell you who wins. And by that, I mean who wins the entire season, because something happens at the start of this episode that makes it absolutely clear.

THE VERDICT

“Tre, please pack your knives and go.”

Well, there you have it. Tre is the one sent home, and as CJ, the show’s resident expert on gender studies, observes, “He takes it like a man.” Meaning he accepts the news while biting a bullet, sawing off his own leg, and throwing his body on a live grenade. Also, he doesn’t do anything girly, like cry like a Joey.

Before this episode started, I would have been shocked to find out Tre was the big loser, especially since I was certain Sara was next on the chopping block. But if you think I’ve killed all the suspense by giving this away now, rest assured it was so clearly foreshadowed throughout the episode, it wasn’t even ottomans falling from the sky, more like entire sectional sofas.

I might as well also tell you that Sara is named the winner, something else I would have been shocked to hear before. Except in retrospect, it makes perfect sense. Whenever there are team challenges on this show, the judging becomes particularly ridiculous, because they insist on critiquing everyone for not acting like enough of a team and then go ahead and eliminate individuals anyway. But on a challenge like this one where people are designated as executive chefs – which they tell us over and over means they are ultimately the ones responsible – it only makes sense the executives are selected as the final winner and loser. How could it be otherwise?

To put it in the context of the military metaphor they’ve been pushing, history concerns itself with what Generals Grant and Lee did that won or lost the war for their sides. It’s not so interested in lowly Private John Doe – you know, the one carrying around the tin drum with the bandage around his head – and whether or not he was wearing a short sleeve uniform. Because, really, how ridiculous would it be to get in a tizzy over some random clothing choice by some minor player that had no real effect on the outcome?