This week's episode of America's Next Top Model was the best in weeks. Maybe the best of the cycle so far. No, really. So many awesome things happened I don't know how I'm going to fit them all into one recap. My wrist is still sore from all the notes I had to take. Jael lays a verbal smackdown on Renee, 50 Cent throws someone in a pool, Nicole Richie starts drama, and Dread Pirate Tyra makes a cameo. What more could you ask for? Well, maybe some sexy half-naked men, but no show is perfect.

The theme song on this show, which Tyra "sings," by the way, is so suggestive. Do I wanna be on top? Well. That's a rather personal question, isn't it?

Whitney is sad that Diana is gone, but she knows Diana would have wanted her to "go beat them skinny bitches." I'm sure Diana would have preferred to beat them herself, but whatever keeps you going, Whitney.

Tyra Mail! "Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet? —love Tyra." The girls are confused, but I can't even make fun of them cuz I didn't get it either. It all makes sense later, though, so just hang on.

In an interview, Renee talks trash about all of the other girls while wearing some sort of scarf wrapped around her head. Oh God, y'all. It's catching. Except, she doesn't look like a pirate. She looks like some Russian babushka. What the hell? Is it suddenly chilly in the Top Model house? Is she just stupid? Oh. I think I just answered my own question.

PS - Brittany's weave has taken on a life of its own. It gets worse every week. Please, somebody help her head. Now.

The girls go downtown to some building where they crowd into a room featuring a flip board with the name Lesley Hornby written on it. They all wonder who she could be. In walks Twiggy. Lesley Hornby is her real name. What? You thought she was given the name Twiggy at birth?

Sarah freaks out about sitting ten feet from Twiggy. Chill out, crackhead. She's on panel. You stand ten feet from her every week at judging.

Twiggy tells the girls how she got her name, and then tells them they have to change their names in order to be remembered. As an example, here comes Melrose, from last season. Ugh. I thought (hoped, prayed) that I'd seen the last of her. The bitch is back — and she still looks old. Her real name is Melissa Rose, but she shortened it to Melrose to be memorable. Actually, I remember you because you were such a bitch, but whatever.

Twiggy makes them each share their newly chosen monikers. Whitney takes a page from Melrose's book and combines her first name and her middle name (Michelle) to get Whitelle. Bad idea, Whitney. Now you sound like a brand or a discount department store. If I combined my first and middle name I'd be Jark. It sounds like a character from a Star Wars movie.

Sarah skips the combo name and just plain goes with her middle name, which is Moe. I kid you not. Moe. As in Flaming Moe. As in Moe's Tavern. As in einey meany miney... Moe.

Brittany has always gone by Brit. One "T" not two. And she sounds a little bitter about that extra "T." Jaslene keeps her name. As does Jael. Good for them. Natasha was called Nata as a child.

Dionne's mom was watching the Discovery Channel one day and there was this 14 year old African girl named Wholahay (her spelling) who was married off to a forty year old man. (Are you sure her name wasn't Natasha?) Any way, Dionne likes to date older men, so her mom nicknamed her Wholahay. Dionne grows on me more every week.

Renee goes with Nayien. Pronounced Nay-een. Yeah, I don't know either. I can think of many other things to call her.

Once the lame name game is over, Twiggy tells them they're going to a smart and sexy party. She says sexy party exactly like Stewie from Family Guy. It makes me giggle. She then informs them that they will have to use their new names and be memorable. She also gives them three tips to impress. 1) Be eloquent. 2) Don't monopolize the conversation. 3) Use humor. I predict some of these girls will be in trouble before the night is over.

On the way home, Renee bitchily (as if she talks any other way) says, "I can't wait to have some stimulating conversation." She says that out loud. In front of all the girls. As if that isn't clearly something one only says in their mind. The other girls are stunned that she would say something like that. Jael recovers first and clarifies that Renee meant it the way it sounded. She did. Jael then shuts her down awesomely by saying, "Well, maybe it's because nobody wants to talk to you." HA! I laughed so hard I had to pause the show. Little did I know it was merely a preview of things to come.

Tyra Mail! "It's going to be a hot night. Time to try out your new name and shine real bright. But beware of the Funky Cold Medina. —love Tyra." That was a wordy message. Please, Tyra. A weary nation begs you to rehire your writers. I open a bottle of whiskey to soothe my pain.

Renee knows the song, so she thinks they're going to a transvestite party. A what? Is that a real thing? Do Paris and Nicole count? Oh wait. That would be a parasite party. Transvestite? Parasite? Hey, at least they rhyme.

Off to the party! It's chock full of celebrities and pseudo-celebs. There's Bill Maher, some guy from that show (that's the best me and my friends could come up with), Tia and Tamera Mowry (of Sister, Sister fame), Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Jason from Laguna Beach (who Jael greets by calling him lame. Way to impress, Jael), and last and possibly least, 50 cent. This is not the classiest guest list, but we've already established that this is not the classiest show.

Benny Medina, Tyra's manager, is inside the house in a white room overlooking the pool area where the party is being held. A white room? Is this Top Design all of a sudden? Will Jonathan Adler be there to toss off some witty bon mot like, "Smell ya later, alligator?" or "Nanny, nanny, boo, boo, stick your head in doodoo?"

Thankfully, Jonathan is nowhere to be seen. Instead, Benny's posse is made up Tyra's entire management team plus Beverly Johnson.

Whitelle (aka Whitney) is called in first for a face-to-face with Benny and his Jets. Benny makes fun of her new name. As he should. Do you think they'll make them use the dumb names for the rest of the cycle? I hope not. God forbid they should get stuck using them for the rest of their careers. Ha! I implied they'd actually have a career after this show! I'm so funny.

Outside, Jael is talking to 50. She starts annoying him. She is being kind of obnoxious. Sort of overly friendly and she keeps invading 50's bubble, getting all up in his face. She's so weird. It's making me uncomfortable. He dismisses her, but she doesn't quite get it. She won't leave him alone. She's buzzing around his head like one of those irritating little bees that always show up at picnics.

Moe, the model formerly known as Sarah, goes in to see Benny next. He makes fun of her name, too.

Brit's tete-a-tete doesn't go very well either. Afterwards, she says, "I doubt I impressed Benny because my hair looked a damn mess." Yes. It did. But that's hardly her fault. Tyra did that to her. Come on! Somebody do something. This is a hair emergency. Put out the GayPB!

Dionne looks stunning as she sits and talks with 50. Here comes Jael again. I hope she's drunk. That would be the only excuse for her behavior right now.